Looking down the barrel: ’008

So it’s been awhile, but I am back. 2008 was a hard year for me, with only the very beginning of the year being truly happy times for me. The rest of the year I spent slowly spiraling down into a dark existence, hitting rock bottom right around the end of the year.

In the past year, I’ve lost most of my self confidence, been consciously depressed, including pissing off most of my friends who attempted to keep in contact with me, losing about 25 lbs, and finding out I’m anorexic. I spent the majority of my time trying to make someone love me the way I wanted, even though I realized a long time ago that that would never happen, and turned out to be a rather expensive endeavor, all for nothing. I kept turning to her out of complete and utter loneliness, only for her to turn a cold shoulder every time I needed her.

So what did I learn from all of this? There’s a reason some divorced women are divorced. A bit harsh, but in this case entirely true. I also learned that even though I think I unhealthily lost weight, I am happy with how my body looks now (I’ve since gained a few pounds back from my lowest weight), and I now eat very healthy in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle and nice looking body. Lastly, I learned that true friends really are forever and always outlast relationships. I owe a lot to my friends for not giving up on me. I love you all dearly.

When you hit the bottom, there is only one path left, and that’s up. I’m already on that path, rebuilding my life and making up for all the missed opportunities I’ve had in the past year. I’ve been reconnecting with friends that I’ve blown off, been going to salsa more (and to new places), and I hope to start going out more often (I need a social life in addition to salsa).

Other resolutions for this year are to move back to Munich (LA is not the place for me), find a partner (hopefully as close to opposite as the last as possible), take and share more photos, improve my German to business level (I’m not that far off actually), learn enough Japanese to converse with friends (hoping to finally get past the random words & phrases I currently know), get LASIK/LASEK (sick of wearing contacts & I want 20/40 vision), get rhinoplasty (to breathe better, not for looks), fix my teeth (whiten & refill some old cavities), imrpove my skin (which I think will happen naturally once I move away from the LA smog), and start traveling again. Re-reading those, it sounds like I’m a little vain, but they’re actually all to improve myself (except for my teeth, that’s purely cosmetic).